In case you were unaware, I was raised in a strict Catholic household… but Jack was the only strict Catholic in my house. My grandparents were both devout Catholics. I was always told having "faith is very important". Having “faith” was not something I was EVER able to wrap my mind around and as a result, I had many questions about God and religion, in general.
Dad never really spoke to me about the ‘alone time’ with Bruno… almost like if he denied it then it didn’t happen and I would somehow not remember anything. Then again, I remain convinced that he never believed me and if he did then he just did not care because he enjoyed his peaceful life with the psycho bitch. When Jack and I did finally touch on the subject of Uncle Bruno, I was encouraged to pray to God for emotional support. Not one of the adults in my circle even considered sending me to therapy prior to my court date. I remember I was provided with a copy of the Handmaid’s Tale written by Margaret Atwood. I started to read this book thinking it would magically make me feel better. I do not recall how far I got in the book, but far enough to understand none of these raped and pregnant women would be permitted an abortion in this ridiculous society. I assure you the book went straight in the trash. My 13-year-old brain interpreted this as “these women learned to live with it, rape is normal, women have been suffering this way for years, your story isn’t special, and these fictional characters had it way worse.”
One day I asked what would have happened if Uncle Bruno had been having sex with me after I started my period. I was dead serious. I asked my father what would have happened if I had become pregnant with Uncle Bruno’s baby. My father looked me straight in the eye and told me I would have been forced to carry the child to term because abortion is wrong. I was never once told that what Uncle Bruno did was wrong. Not once. I heard “Poor Margeaux” a lot though. Around age 13, I slowly started to lose respect for my father only I did not realize it. Instead, it manifested as defiance and rebellion. I felt he was wrong but I was a kid and adults were always right in my world – especially my father. He was NEVER wrong. Ever.
Religion was a huge element in Jack’s life, and he made us attend mass every Sunday. I thought church was a crock of shit, especially after I heard all the news reports out of the US saying that priests were child molesters, and I insisted on attending mass by myself/with my sister on Saturday nights. He could not argue the point since we had to work all day on Sundays anyway. After a few weeks, I noticed that nobody checked up on us, we then started our weekly Church of McDonald’s where the cigarette was worshiped. Big M thought it was funny that we skipped church and even gave us money to hang out at McDonald’s; she did not know I went there to smoke cigarettes for an hour.
After a while dad became a bit suspicious and started asking questions about our church experience. I successfully responded the first time, but failed further questioning so I then started collecting the little read-along books and church propaganda flyers and bringing them home. That worked for a bit. Eventually, dad and I discussed religion again and he encouraged me to read the bible. I think this was his mistake. I did read the bible.
Below are the Q&A pre-teen (maybe she was a teen) Margeaux had with an adult she thought was intelligent.
Me: Dad…
how is the Adam and Eve story possible?
Dad: What do you mean?
Me: I thought parents sleeping with their children was illegal.
Dad: ………
Me: Eve did only have boys or do they not talk about the girls? If they did
have girls… then Adam slept with them or she slept with her brothers? Why aren’t we all retarded if we’re all
related? Was there another family in the garden? Adam and Eve are white, why are there people in the world with different skin colour?
Dad: The story of Adam and Eve is just a fable, it’s not meant to be taken
literally.
Me: But you told me the bible was the word of God. How do you know what's true?
Dad: I have to go to the wholesale.
Me: Dad… why aren’t we
Jewish?
Dad: What do you mean?
Me: Well, Jesus was Jewish. Aren’t we in the wrong religion?
Dad: No, no, no (looks at me like I sprouted horns on my head) the Jews killed Jesus that’s why we’re Catholic.
Me: How do you know we’re in the right religion? Don’t we go to hell if we’re
in the wrong religion? What if we’re praying to the wrong God and the Egyptian God
is the real one?
Dad: [laughing]We are definitely in the right religion.
Me: How do you know? Where does it say that in the bible?
Dad: We follow Jesus and the New Testament, you just have to be good.
Me: We can still go to hell even if we're good, that’s what the other religions say about
praying to the wrong God. Unless it’s all the same God with different names?
Me: How
can God be 3 different people?
Dad: It’s too complex for us to even understand what God has in mind for us.
Me: Did God rape Mary? She was already married to another man. How can a ghost get someone pregnant?
Dad: No, No, No! God asked her if she could carry the world’s saviour.
Me: Where does it say that?
Me: Dad,
if God watches everything, why didn’t he stop Uncle Bruno?
Dad: Because it was part of God’s plan for you.
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: God has a plan for everyone and puts challenges in your life he knows you can handle. It's to make you strong.
Me: So, he knew Uncle Bruno was going to do that or he made him do it? What
do you mean - he already knew?
Dad: God watches us and keeps an eye on all of the children in his flock. It’s like looking in a
mirror. He already knows what we will do. We are his children.
Me: So, I don’t make my own decisions? He already decided for me?
Dad:……
Me: So, if I make no decisions, my life will end up the same, or it doesn’t
matter what I decide it still ends up the same?
Dad: Yes.
Dad: Science
and evolution are destroying religion. People are believing in science instead
of God.
Me: But won't science prove that God is real then you won’t need faith?
Dad: The trouble is all these people believe in SCIENCE instead of God.
Me: The bible tells people to wash a lot. Maybe that was early science so
people didn’t get sick?
Dad: *Laughs hysterically*
Me: We
pray to sell the house every night so that Big M will leave us and we can be
happy.
Dad:
Yes, and God listens.
Me: So why haven't we sold the house yet?
By the time I was 12 or maybe 13 I thought religion was fake. I remember asking dad about the flood and why Noah was the only one with a boat and how did he get all the animals on a boat if North America wasn’t discovered yet… why do we have moose? Other people had boats. Why did God kill everybody if he loves us? I believed in ‘something’ that I attributed to God because I didn’t know that atheism was a real thing. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me for not being able to believe in an invisible man who watches me masturbate, shower, eat, poop, but doesn’t help me when I cry and ask for help.
Dad: You
need to forgive Uncle Bruno for what he did.
Me: What? Why?
Dad: He can’t go to heaven if you don’t
forgive him. And you will feel better if you forgive him.
Me: Wait… bad people go to heaven? With good people?
Dad: Well, yes, if they regret their sins and are truly remorseful, they can
ask God to forgive them and they can go to heaven, but God has to believe they feel really sorry.
Me: But if I don’t forgive him, he still can’t go?
Dad: Yes.
Me: I’ll never forgive him.
Dad: Why not? You want him to burn in hell forever?
Me: If that’s where he deserves to go, yes. What if I’m in heaven and I see
him? I don’t want to be in heaven if he’s there.
Dad: …….
Dad: Hell
is for very bad people.
Me: …….
Dad: If you listen to your records backwards you can hear the devil giving
you instructions.
Me: [laughing] Seriously?
Dad: Yes, let me show you the devil’s symbol on this Crisco lard package
before I throw it out. I’m never buying this brand again.
Me: How do you know the devil gives hidden messages? I've never heard messages.
Dad: It was on the news.
Me: What does the devil want?
Dad: People to do bad things and end up in hell.
Me: Why is the music bad? It’s actually really good. I don’t think that’s
true. Nobody listens to records backwards. That would break them.
Dad: You will end up going to hell for it.
Me: Well, if it’s wrong, then I guess I’ll end up where I belong.
Dad: …..
Me: I like the heat anyway. You said it’s hot down there and the music
will be good… and if Uncle Bruno isn’t there, then that’s where I want to be.
A few years ago I contacted the Arch Diocese in Toronto and told them to remove my name, and my children’s’ names from their world registry count because “I am an atheist who believes in the power of cognition and not invisible beings. I saved myself. I don't support the church not paying their victims and hiring lawyers to change the law instead.” (Or something very close to that). I knew the French church would ignore me, but the English church sent me a confirmation of having received my letter and confirmed my request had been completed.
Religion is a massive trigger for me. Religion allows grown ass adults to ignore the abuse in their lives by saying… “the invisible guy will deal with them when they’re dead.” Conveniently, everyone’s excuse to bury their heads in the sand. I will never believe that any devout religious person is intelligent or has anything of worth to teach me. You believe in an invisible man and insist that the burden of proof is on the non-believer. That is just plain idiocy. The burden of proof is on the believer…. And you cannot use the bible to prove that God is real, you need corroborating evidence… bones, shrouds, even the dead sea scrolls were proven to be faked; besides, the bible (buy-bull) was written 300 years after the fact, by people who weren’t even there. Serious question,…when God is talking to himself in the desert and there is nobody around….. who wrote it down?
Religion was a story back then, just like Thor, Spiderman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all stories today. Don’t believe me? I invite you to research Horus and all the other ‘gods’ over the years… if you don’t see the similarities in all their stories… may I suggest a 72 hour hold?
Question everything. It’s how progress and scientific discoveries are made. Don’t just eat up everything people tell you. Ask questions. It amazes me that people don’t believe the paint is wet, but tell them that God will cure their cancer and you’ll see a line up around the block to see some religious whack job healer. I know because when I was 16 my father took me to see one outside of Montreal to ‘heal my eyesight’. I will also mention I was practically blind with a prescription of -6.50 and -6.75. Would it surprise anyone to read that no one knew I could not see anything until one of the swim moms asked why I kept hitting the wall with my head…. Because I can’t see it… she suggested I get my eyesight checked. I got my first pair of glasses when I was … 13 or 14. Yes, I went to my appointment alone. Picked out my glasses alone. The lady at the store tried to tell me the Sally Jesse Raphael style didn’t suit me but I got my large glasses anyway and loved them.
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