It’s been emotionally difficult recounting my mid-teen years because I did not realize just how useful compartmentalization had become in my life until I opened-up my Fil-o-Brain. As I sit here, I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. I want to attempt to demonstrate what it was like to be me in a day. But please remember this was my life and all this was normal. I am legitimately shocked to hear some of your private comments indicating this was beyond horrific. When I say I don’t know how to be normal… I focus really hard on trying to not be an asshole or mean in my daily interactions. I know I'm intimidating and I can be blunt. I just don't play mind games and I like knowing where I stand; and I give others I interact with the same courtesy; which is usually taken wrong. haha
Oh, that’s my alarm. 6 am. Time to get up and shower. What am I wearing today? Did I remember to pack my school outfit? I have to hide my makeup in my bag too so I can put that on when I get to school. Tired of dad calling any makeup war paint. He even told me I would get cancer from nail polish. HA! I asked if that was called finger cancer. Sometimes I swear to God he just says shit to me to like, piss me off on purpose.
Why do we even need parents anyway? All they do is get in your shit and tell you how the ‘real’ world is, how it will be like later, that right now I’m lucky to be living at home with nothing to worry about. No responsibility, I can just come and go as I please. I have no idea who they’re even talking about.
Yesterday the step-bitch asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. Why I haven’t been invited to a party yet.
Well, um.. nobody like.. ‘dates’ yet, we hang out. And she already told me I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 18. I’m not allowed to have friends who are boys. I’m not supposed to talk to boys. How does she expect me to date? And how does dating work anyway? Like.. a boy asks you to go somewhere and you go; then what? Does he keep asking you to go different places? How do you know you’re boyfriend/girlfriend?
Oh great, cream of wheat again this morning; smells like he made a fresh batch. Why does he keep making it? I told him I only want toast. He never listens to me. Toast. Toast. It doesn’t make me want to puke. Why does he always laugh at me and act like I’m being unreasonable? What’s the big deal about breakfast anyway?
Did I take my laxatives? I haven’t shit in over a week, maybe more, I don’t know. I’m so constipated. Maybe I should take more laxatives; my bowels are probably used to these by now. I need more caffeine pills too.
What day is it? Where am I working tonight? Oh fuck, I hear her in the bathroom. I’m gonna wait until she goes back to bed. Yeah right I gave you Lupus. I’m not a wolf. And the cat has Lupus so maybe you’re really an animal…. or what have you been doing to the cat? Maybe you ate Lupus. You don’t even know when my birthday is; I like asking you this question whenever it pops up in my head… I hate it when you tell people how great of a step-mother you are. Wouldn’t a good mother know her ‘kid’s’ birthday?
We’re not allowed to forget your birthday though and I have to spend a minimum of $100 so you don’t freak out, maybe I’ll ask dad if I can withdraw my school money I’ve been saving and send you both on a cruise to Alaska for 10 days. It’s really a gift for me and Roxanne.
That was funny the time dad took us on vacation to meet our fucking stupid French family in Québec with matante. I loved Ottawa, what a calm city with a massive French bookstore. Dad had to stop to buy a new dictionary, of course. I wonder if he knows I keep stealing his older ones to read them. I need to memorize more words it’s hilarious when I use them and she has no idea what the words mean. Usually she just agrees. Haha.
OK, hair – check; Walkman – check;
schoolbag – check; makeup – check; jeans for school – check; black t-shirt –
check; black shoes – check. My go to school outfit looks fine, it won’t wrinkle
too easy so maybe I’ll just hang it all in my locker and change before I leave.
Alright, DuMaurier in my underwear and I’m ready to leave. Is she out of the
bathroom yet? Oh god, more laundry? You kept me up until 3 am with
that stupid machine talking and laughing to yourself super loud all night. Just
go eat something and go to bed.
…. She shuts the door.
Roxanne looks tired. Dad is like the sun today. He’s so happy. I feel the draft and the shift in atmospheric pressure around me raises the little hairs in my ears and I know it’s Big M, I feel rather than hear her coming down the hall in to the kitchen. Yup, she’s gonna ignore me…
Nope.
Do not roll your eyes at her or you’ll
laugh out loud. Look at those eyes, they’re like grapes. Bugging out. Like a
frog. She’s so fat. How do you let yourself look like that? Isn’t she a size 26
or 28? And she’s still only a B cup. I wonder if that’s why she’s always
staring at my boobs telling me to show them off then giving me dirty looks when she thinks I'm not looking.
She's always so angry. Why can she never just be happy?
Oh great, yes my shingles is breaking out on my face. Wonderful. Yeah … and now I’m gonna give her shingles. Fine. I’ll wear a mask in the house too. Works better for me I can move my mouth without you seeing me. Oh right, yes, I know I gave you depression and anxiety too. Have a good day mommy!
Oh man, like, for real? Does he need to shit now? I’m gonna be late for school. Why can’t I just take the bus like a normal person. Because he has to honk the horn, draw attention to me and force me to do the walk of shame to kiss him good bye or.. make me pray in the truck. I hate it when he makes me do the sign of the cross in front of everybody. Like, we are talking to an invisible person, nobody lives above the clouds. This is so stupid. Amen.
I’m just gonna run out of the truck this time and not turn back.
I did it. What is wrong with him?
I cannot believe he likes my punk song. He hates music. He hates movies. He doesn't even watch TV unless it's the news blasting at volume 10. But I’d rather him laugh like a maniac during Bomb the Boats and Feed the Fish cuz I don’t have to listen to CBC Radio or the country music station. Yes, I know she came over from Ireland on the boat. Why do you think I play this song over and over and over again on my stereo? She’s still too stupid to realize it’s about her. Tomorrow I’ll play that Yoko Ono song by Barenaked Ladies, dad will probably pee himself.
Time to hit the bathroom before anyone thinks I’m the teacher, change from my office clothes to my boy clothes as she calls them. Whatever. Like, I don’t want to be a fucking preppy. I don’t want to be Sally. I don't want to be a model. I want to be invisible. I want my Doc Martens, black jeans, black shirt. Why does it matter what I wear to school; it's not a fashion show! I’m gonna have to wear all that shit later when I get a real job anyway. I want to be punk. I can’t believe she made me cut my hair after my really cool cut. Man, why does she care what I do with my hair? It’s not long and it didn’t even look like rats were sucking on it; no that's not good enough, now she wants to tell me how I should cut it. I liked the inverted V and the shaved sides. I’m gonna dye it black but I think I’ll go get my ears my pierced first, super high up on my ear. I make money. I wish I was allowed to buy my own clothes though.
Alright, first period. Biology. I already read the whole book so I’m gonna listen to Sigue Sigue Sputnik; if I keep my head propped up on my hand, the teacher won’t notice the earbud cord. Why does Jason think I’m weird? Didn’t he like his BJ? Or is that dating? But he’s not my boyfriend. Do I have a boyfriend, she actually asked me that.... how am I supposed to have a boyfriend when I’m always grounded? Man, in five years I’ll be so much happier. We will all be happy. Maybe she’ll die sooner. But the Toronto doctor said she had 5 years. Thank god. I’m not going to the funeral. He can’t force me.
Then we can finally sell this house and buy the green house I like near matante's. I am so excited to have a yard. I really want to live in a normal house without 28 residents; 8 employees including a chef, a cleaner; and a constant stream of strangers coming in the house.
Math, fuck I failed my test. I actually studied for this one. It’s weird that I get way higher grades when I don’t study. Then, when I do spend all my time doing homework and studying… I get 49%. Screw it. I’m just stupid. She was right. What’s the point. I don’t need math anyway, I can count money and use a calculator.
Oh word problems. I don’t care how fast the train is going because I’m stuck in a town where they literally pulled out the train tracks. Why does the wind speed matter? Oh I don’t care. Where’s my Voivod tape. Oh shit, do we have homework? Shit I wasn’t listening. I can’t read the math book. It’s too boring; it's written in English and I don't even understand half the words on a good day. Oh well, whatever, I’m failing anyway.
Lunch, off to the corner store for a smoke and Mr. Noodle spicy chicken. I’m gonna microwave it this time so it cooks faster and I can have a smoke first and another one after my soup then I’ll be good ‘til dinner. I have a spare after lunch, I’m gonna go sit in the stairwell at the back near the chapel. Hopefully that weirdo Brother doesn’t come out to talk to me. Like, leave me alone dude. You’re creepy. Married to god. I thought you weren’t all gay? Religion is so stupid.
I wonder if dad will be on time, I don’t see the truck; oh there he is. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, my stomach says I’m in shit. What did I do now.
Oh awesome. Silent ride home I see. I’m in deep shit then. What did I do now.
Thanks Roxanne. How am I supposed to make friends who are boys if I don’t sneak out of the house at night? She’s fucking crazy and I can’t do anything like normal people and I’m weird now because of her. My step-mother made me the weird kid, no wonder I'm the loser squad - I have no friends. I just went to a party. I didn’t even drink or eat. I just hung out with the hockey team from Penetanguishene. So what if I was the only girl? All we did was sit on the side of the bathtub in the dark and make-out. What’s the big deal? I didn’t have sex, like… I didn’t even get drunk! Stop saying that. I was safe. I knew what I was doing. I walked along the train tracks, it wasn’t dangerous there was nobody out there! I went in thru the back of the Holiday Inn and then walked home. And if Roxanne hadn’t ratted me out you never woulda known. I can’t believe she did that. Why did she rat me out? I just want to have fun. I’m never allowed to have fun and do stuff like my friends do, I just get grounded for it anyway. So.. at least I'm getting grounded for real stuff.
Thank god I have to leave to get to the mall for my shift. I’ll eat at the food court. Thank god I get a break for a few hours. Where’s dad, I’m gonna be late.
I can’t believe Mona kept the mannequins up the way I dressed them. I can’t believe I sold 2 outfits and everyone liked the whole thing. Maybe she’ll let me dress the mannequins again. That other bitch stole my commission. I can’t believe she liquid-papered out my name on my ticket, like as-if! Who does that? What a beotch, but whatever, I’m only here to get out of the house and so Big M gets her fat clothes discount. I like the petite section.
Oh Jesus Christ, what the hell are they doing here? I’m working. Uh-huh, checking up on me to make sure I actually had a shift. Like, where do you think I’m going to go? I should run away maybe then you’d realize I don’t need to be followed or checked-up on. I can do anything I put my mind to, just like you said, only you have no idea what I put my mind to.
Well, shift’s over and now I can get yelled at all the way home.
Spit, it’s so gross. She’s so gross and she smells funny. I don’t think it’s all about the medications she takes. She doesn’t always smell clean. I wonder if it’s her fat layers that can’t breathe. Even the cat hates her. Maybe cuz she keeps eating his butter! Hahahaha that was so funny. Watching the cat lick the entire exterior of the butter brick then watching the Penguin come out of her room to make toast. I can’t believe dad didn’t even tell her. I sure wasn’t; why can she eat toast in the morning for breakfast and I can’t? Why can’t I eat white bread, it always has to be the whole wheat crap that tastes like cardboard. I keep telling him I’m still constipated. He gave me his natural laxatives that never work. Drink more water, I drink like 26 cups of water a day to shit and it doesn't make a difference. That’s cool, I bought different laxatives at Shoppers and that should make me shit. I can’t believe it’s been nearly 2 weeks and dad keeps telling me to take Metamucil. I’m pretty sure it’s making it worse, but dad says I’m wrong.
Man, I’m tired. I hope she doesn’t keep me up all night again doing laundry. Holy shit it’s already 11? Dad’s gonna freak out if he sees my light on.
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