After the bathtub incident with the bowl of pills, I somehow found myself with an appointment to see a Psychiatrist. I actually don’t remember the events leading to this; if I told my GP or if Neall told someone at the University Health Network; but here I was nevertheless. I remember sitting in front of an older man with grey hair, a goatee, wire rim glasses, behind this massive desk surrounded by several bookshelves bursting with various publications. The room was very brown, dark mahogany everything and leather sofas and chairs, a gorgeous Persian rug on the floor. The room seemed to absorb sound.
I remember him asking me why I tried to kill myself and I simply said, “Because I need a change of scenery.” He asked me various questions, until I just said, “look I think my problem is that I am Manic Depressive. I’m happy one minute then I’m absolutely in the lowest place, I blow up my credit card shopping for things to feel the adrenaline high, so I really think I need Lithium.” He asked about my childhood and I responded honestly and even volunteered personal opinions on my abusers. He must have agreed with me because I walked out with a prescription for Lithium.
I was convinced that Lithium would lift me up. I have no reason why I actually believed this, but I did. I thought Lithium would make me happy or at least happy enough to get to my Convocation ceremony. I had never experienced actual joy in my life before and I felt that clearly, this is what was wrong and why I was broken. I just wasn’t happy enough. I didn’t know how to appreciate what I had, I felt that I was just blaming everyone else for my misery and that if I wanted to be happy, then only I could make myself happy.
Neall had started working another government contract and when the contract ended; he took the opportunity to apply for training through the E.I. program and decided to study to become an ECE. At the time, I was just ecstatic he would be out of the house and maybe, finally, focused on a career. This training course also included placement in a daycare. After he discovered he enjoyed the setting and working with children, we applied to have his Assault charge pardoned. It had happened when he was 21 back in Hamilton. We went to court; the judge requested a $200 donation to any local charity in exchange for the pardon. We provided the charitable receipt the next day.
Jack and Maeve started calling me more after “the incident” and I recall Maeve saying she was sorry she was “so hard on me and could we start over?” or something to that effect. I agreed because I didn’t know I had the option to disagree and quite frankly, Maeve had told me that mothers and daughters very rarely get along so I assumed this was normal. We made plans for Neall and I to visit at Christmas and I invited them to my Convocation ceremony planned for October 1997, well, when I say “invited” that’s not quite what happened. I told them I was graduating and they invited themselves. Only my biological mother was originally invited. I absolutely did not want Maeve there so I gave Jack Neall’s ticket. I was not buying tickets for people who had not supported me thru University. I felt an obligation to provide Jack a ticket given he was my father. Neall stayed home drinking and chain smoking with Maeve.
In August of 1997 I had started a job on Parliament Hill, at the Parliamentary Research Branch and I loved it! I was working full time with the promise of a permanent full time role within 12 months. With the salary, as a 23-year-old earning $35,000 per year on contract, I was able to quit 2 of my 3 jobs. I kept the job at the Westin hotel because I still liked to meet James for coffee and he worked nearby.
James and I were getting a lot closer and I felt that the friendship was evolving but the timing was all wrong. I really liked James but I didn’t want to cheat on Neall either. I didn’t want to tell James about Neall because it was a source of humiliation for me - I didn’t tell anyone about my family or what led to my getting married; I always let people come up with their own story. I knew I was flirting with disaster and my feelings for James were very strong, I was falling in love with James and didn’t realize it until it was too late. I had never had feelings like this for another person before. He wasn’t my type at all; he was a clean cut Navy man who was really smart and well traveled, and I liked long-haired tattooed bad boys with criminal records, apparently or rock singers.
I also know now that I tended to shy away from people who seemed too “stable”, I knew those people would see I was wrong or somehow damaged and I always ended up hurt after being rejected. James was different. I think he saw me, as in he saw past my walls and I think he liked that I was kind and intelligent with opinions that were not stupid, like my dad thought.
By October, the Lithium I was on had made me gain a lot of weight, maybe 30 pounds and my clothes were ill fitting. When Jack and Maeve arrived, she was excited to see me at 180 lbs and no longer called me fat, but ‘pretty’. I went from a size 9 to a size 16 and I hated myself. Maeve made me feel like I was floating on cloud 9 and took me shopping for an entirely new wardrobe, an apology of sorts. She still wasn’t coming to watch me walk the stage. They returned to The North the next day hating Neall and convinced I was on a path of destruction.
To this day, I’ll never forget what Maeve said to me when I got home after graduation, “See what we did for you?” SEE WHAT WE DID FOR YOU? I was screaming in my head… what’s that? I’m in debt to the tune of $63,000, I cannot go to law school because I can’t afford it, I got married to a loser to afford this degree, and you lied to me. Yes, what did you do for me? You abandoned me and made me strong by forcing me to figure out life on my own in a very short time. Thank you, Cunt.” Instead I looked at her, spun on my heel, went to the kitchen and opened a beer and lit a cigarette. My house, I’ll smoke in it if I want.
While my sperm donor and his Bedwarmer were visiting and glowing and clapping themselves on the back for MY SUCCESS.
Maeve suddenly says, “Oh, you still have everything I gave you. I thought you smashed it.”
Me: Of course I do, why would you think I smashed everything you gave me?
Maeve: Well, Sally told me you smashed and destroyed every single thing I ever gave you.
Me: What? Why would she say that? She’s never even come to visit me she wouldn’t even know.
That’s when it all made sense. When I first moved to Ottawa, I didn’t know anyone. Sally had a friend in Ottawa, Mona. I invited Mona over for dinner and she was floored at my apartment, I remember her comment “definitely not a student apartment”. Mona would have 100% told Sally about all my new furniture, etc. Sally would have absolutely lost her shit in jealousy assuming Maeve and Jack bought this for me and not my mother. Sally always expected Maeve to support her, buy her a brand new Jeep, put a down payment on a house for her, or pay her tuition. She is very entitled and feels the world owes this to her. THIS IS THE LIE THAT CAUSED MY PARENTS TO CUT ME OFF, AND ABANDON ME. They didn’t even apologize, just huffed at their great parenting skills since, you know, I made it. They forgot I did it ON MY OWN. This is when I was finally able to be honest with myself and admit I hate Maeve.
After graduation I was so conflicted, I wanted to be a grown up with a great life, great job, and independence. I had a degree, a job, and a husband but it was all wrong. I did not want to be married; I was too young and I wanted to be with someone who was motivated. I worked hard and ate a lot of shit to get to where I was and when I looked back; Neall was in the exact same place he was in back in 1994 only worse off because now he knew I could support both of us with my new government job. I realized that I could not make him the man I wanted. I couldn’t change him and I didn’t love him. I loved the idea of being an adult with all the things adults are supposed to have. That’s when I realized I was not Bipolar, I just hated my life and needed to move, I was right, I needed a change of scenery. I really wanted to stay in Ottawa for my job and because I was close to my mom, but I also knew that Neall would never leave me alone. He was far too dependent on me because I had turned into his mother.
In November, while Neall was at work, James dropped me off at home and he wanted to come in for coffee. I remember making an excuse that the house was a disaster and I went in, did the flight of the bumblebee and put any signs that I lived there with a man in the bathtub. James came in, we had coffee and cigarettes, and I avoided a potential kiss and said good night. By the end of November, I knew what I had to do. Over coffee with James, I told him everything and that I was planning to leave Neall in the next few months, I just needed a plan. I wanted to be rescued. I made an absolute mess of my life and I knew it. Nevertheless, I made my bed and I lay in it.
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