In April 2006, my sister Roxanne announced she was pregnant! I remember feeling shocked, happy, disappointed, and excited all at once. When we were kids, we vowed to go through the pregnancy journey together, when we were grown up and married. I was married in 2004, but I definitely didn’t feel like an adult even though I’d just turned 32 when my sister told me she was pregnant. I remember thinking she told me because she wanted me to take her to the clinic… so I offered to attend the abortion with her since she wasn’t yet married. Fortunately, she saw my good intentions and assured me she was ready for motherhood and that she and her partner had plans to marry after the baby was born. Her due date was November 2006. She was so beautiful, pregnancy definitely agreed with her; labour not so much as I recall she had ‘back labour’ and was in a lot of pain.
I remember feeling guilty that I wasn’t pregnant at the same time so we could experience growing a human being together. I also remember warming to the idea of having children maybe, but having a difficult time reconciling my deep desire and personal promise to never have children of my own. I knew, deep down, I would abuse my children and I didn’t want to do that to them; or worse, I’d give birth to children who would abuse others and be pieces of shit as adults. I remember calling my sperm donor to ask about our family health history because I had preferred to perhaps adopt or be a foster parent and maybe adopt children that way… you know…. so I wouldn’t pass on my wrongness. Jack assured me our family medical history was clean – nothing to see here. For several months I pondered what it would be like to have my own children. I knew I would never have just one, I’d have to have twins or 2 kids born very close together so they’d each have a lifelong friend. In case I was a piece of shit parent, they could at least console each other.
After experiencing baby-fever myself once I planned my sister’s baby shower that summer, I was admittedly, excited at the idea of having a baby… I mean all the gear was adorable, the clothes were tiny, and everything smelled fresh. I had never even been around babies before and everything was new. As a seeker of knowledge, I have to admit, I was very curious about perhaps having my own kids and seeing what happened. I was still terrified to jump in that pool because my entire 20’s and 30’s I’d vowed never to consider it. I spoke to Mr. GQ and we decided to give pregnancy a try. I also had a timeline I was working with; I didn’t want ANY babies after age 35, old sperm and old eggs could lead to unhealthy babies but mostly I didn’t want to be 70 when my kids were in high school.
My next step was visiting my family physician and asking about getting pregnant. She told me that because I’d been on birth control since I was 14 years old and for the past 7 years I’d had a Mirena IUD, I’d likely need to be patient for at least a year. My brain immediately made a plan. This was actually perfect. I could have my IUD taken out, Mr. GQ and I would try to get pregnant for 3 months and if I didn’t get pregnant, then obviously it wasn’t meant to be. Satisfied, I made an appointment with my GP to have my IUD removed at the end of November 2006; a week before my nephew Hunter was born.
Mr. GQ was cool with us trying for 3 months; obviously, he was fine with or without having children. Three months seemed like a reasonable amount of time to try. No, I most certainly did not tell him the GP told me I’d need to be patient for an entire year and hope I’d get knocked up. Situation settled, I was 32 years old in April 2006, I felt confident that I could say “I tried to have children and it just didn’t work” so I could then have my tubes tied. That was my plan anyway… as we know, life rarely goes to plan.
I remember this like it was yesterday, based on my cycle I knew approximately, when I would ovulate and I kid you not, the first time we actually tried to get pregnant, I felt implantation happen – December 16, 2006. At the time, I didn’t know the pain I felt in my hip was implantation, but when my period was 2 hours late, December 27, 2006 I peed on a stick. Sure enough, I was pregnant. I was shocked, I mean, by science’s standards, this should not have happened this quickly. We both partied, smoked cigarettes, did everything we were NOT supposed to do if we wanted to get pregnant. My plan to “try” and say I did to move on with my plans to travel the world with my savings was in the toilet. The first person I told about my positive test was Jack. Mr. GQ was working nights so I made Jack promise not to say a word to anyone that he was the first to know. I waited for Mr. GQ to get home that morning to tell him the good and shocking news. I then told him what the GP had told me and how we were lucky that I had always been on birth control because apparently we were very fertile.
Having watched my sister go through pregnancy and experience it as such a joyful experience, I was absolutely unprepared for the opposite experience. First, my body image issues reared their ugly head and I just felt fat because I have wide hips and most people never even knew I was pregnant. I didn’t really start to show until I was 7 months along; it truly did look like I just gained a bit of weight (in total about 30 pounds). I am hyper-mobile so while pregnant, all my joints hurt, especially my SI joint in my back. Once the Relaxin was being produced in my body, I walked with a cane because I was in constant pain and my joints would just move out of place on their own. I remember having weekly chiro and massage appointments. My massage therapist used to use electric current shock treatment on my low back so I could have pain-free mobility during the day. With my pregnancy came pregnancy insomnia also. I was unable to sleep more than 3 hours per night. To make myself tired I walked to and from work every day for a total of 3.5 km. I didn’t like driving because I would normally forget I drove to work, or forget where I parked, or was just too tired to even drive home after a long day and I preferred to take the TTC, even though nobody gave me their seat. I suffered through my entire pregnancy with back pain, joint pain, severe nausea (no vomiting, fortunately), severe pregnancy insomnia, and I couldn’t even tolerate black pepper on my food! I was used to eating everything super spicy. The one thing I did like about pregnancy was my boobs… they doubled in size the first 4 months. Hahaha
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To prepare for having a family, I decided I could absolutely not raise a child in an apartment and over the first 6 months, I doubled down and cleared all our outstanding debt, including my student loan. In May of 2007, we found a house for our family. Because of the childhood I’d had, it was really important that I find my ONE house in a good area for stability. I did not intend to move my children to different schools every other year. I was going to do everything better. I even potty trained my daughter by age 14 months using cloth diapers. She wore pull ups over night until she was 18 months old. Smelling her popcorn breath, and seeing what a joy a baby could bring, I was determined to have a little partner in crime for her. My husband and I started trying for a second baby 3 months after she was born. We weren’t successful until later, but it was fun trying.
Read from the beginning:
Prologue : Family
Chapter 1: The Early Years
Chapter 2: Protector: 1979-1981
Chapter 3: Pre-Teen Years 1981-1987
Chapter 4: Teen Years: 1987-1993
Reality Bites - The Truth Reveals Itself
Chapter 5: University: 1993-1998
Chapter 6: Young Adulthood
Healing
Chapter 7: Parenthood: 2007-2017
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