I haven’t written a blog post in a very long time and here I am to catch you up!  I’ve been very busy with a strong focus on therapy and healing my inner children. Having a childhood filled with so much trauma, I have several inner children that need attention, love and understanding. I struggled with this idea and concept for at least 4 years thinking it was utter bullshit. I’m finally in a place where I understand that the parts of me that were sacrificed to please others, the parts of me that weren’t permitted to exist, the parts of me that were told she wasn’t important - they all need to understand that it really had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the adults in her life. Today’s post isn’t really about my childhood. Today’s post is all about grown-up me. It’s been a tough year. I celebrated one year of no contact with Jack and I honestly feel free. I feel happier and I feel like I’m true to myself. I don’t have to pretend to be someone he wants me to be whi

Receiving my license to produce is what saved my life. I had two suicide plans I was prepared to execute. Having ADHD probably saved my life too. In June 2019, I had suicide weighing heavily on my brain and I wasn’t able to escape the feelings or belief that my family would be better off if I were dead. My parents hated me and at least I could secure my family’s financial future by cashing in on several life insurance policies. To get my thoughts under control, so I could obsess about something else, I rationalized that all moods and situations are temporary and that if I still felt the same in February 2020 I would commit suicide. No, I’m not sharing my method, it’s private and it’s still my back up plan when life kicks me in the groin on an on-going basis. I have a winter suicide plan, but I also have summer plan. I’m hyper-organized and I live my life compartmentalizing it; but my brain also needs several back-up plans otherwise hypervigilance gives me insomnia. In the summer of 2

My health problems began in my 40s. In late 2014, I was diagnosed with severe and chronic migraines which translated to 23 migraines per month. They were relentless. I tried so many medications for migraine prevention, gained 25 pounds in three weeks while taking an SSRI and became very depressed. I decided to find an alternate solution.  After my allergies diagnosis in 2014, I was referred to Dr. Matthews, a Gastroenterologist. I saw him in April 2015 and he performed my first ever colonoscopy that August. He removed the polyps he found in early September 2015 and told me to come back for a follow up in three years. At age 41, I had a partial hysterectomy in late September 2015. I had been progressively experiencing severe pain every month until one day, the pain was so bad, my nerves seemed to seize in my legs and I was no longer able to walk. I was diagnosed with severe Adenomyosis and when my uterus was removed, the surgeon told me it was 4 sizes larger than it should have been,