PTSD is a bitch. When you live and breathe it daily, you don’t know any better. It’s like being born with a headache; you don’t know you have one until it’s gone. As a teen, Big M told me I was moody and depressed – a typical teenager. She also told me daughters and mothers never get along in the teen years, which is also totally normal. Uh Huh. As a young adult, I knew more than anything that I would never be a parent. Ever. I didn’t know how to relate to children, I’d never spent any time with children, I’d always been surrounded by adults; but mostly, I believe children were a burden. Deep down, I knew I’d be an abuser. I was terrified to be alone with children. I assumed I’d be a sexual deviant and if I wasn’t, I’d probably just beat them black and blue. When I told my family every time they joked to “wait until youuuuu have kids!” I was always met with shock and mild horror that I didn’t want to shoot watermelons out my vagina. I don’t think those living outside my family unit

al·le·go·ry / ˈ al ə ˌɡ ô r ē / noun noun: allegory ; plural noun: allegories a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one. Today’s post comes as an allegory… my blog is ‘being watched’ so I don’t 'antagonize' anyone. I’ve given this a lot of thought….Welcome to the Green Forest! Nose in the air Papa Bear can smell him from several kilometres away… “Ma! Ma!” Mama Bear had been enjoying the fermented blueberries “she’s sleeping,” he says to himself when she doesn’t respond . Papa Bear sits in wait for the Badger to approach. Badger:    Hello there! Papa Bear nods in greeting, he’d just finished some of the mushrooms those caribou were eating before they completely lost their heads! Badger:   Hello there! He says again Papa Bear:   Yup, hi, how can I help you ? (Papa’s trying to stay focused and ignore the matrix of lights all around him); the Badger is the law in these parts Badger:   I w

Receiving my license to produce is what saved my life. I had two suicide plans I was prepared to execute. Having ADHD probably saved my life too. In June 2019, I had suicide weighing heavily on my brain and I wasn’t able to escape the feelings or belief that my family would be better off if I were dead. My parents hated me and at least I could secure my family’s financial future by cashing in on several life insurance policies. To get my thoughts under control, so I could obsess about something else, I rationalized that all moods and situations are temporary and that if I still felt the same in February 2020 I would commit suicide. No, I’m not sharing my method, it’s private and it’s still my back up plan when life kicks me in the groin on an on-going basis. I have a winter suicide plan, but I also have summer plan. I’m hyper-organized and I live my life compartmentalizing it; but my brain also needs several back-up plans otherwise hypervigilance gives me insomnia. In the summer of 2

My health problems began in my 40s. In late 2014, I was diagnosed with severe and chronic migraines which translated to 23 migraines per month. They were relentless. I tried so many medications for migraine prevention, gained 25 pounds in three weeks while taking an SSRI and became very depressed. I decided to find an alternate solution.  After my allergies diagnosis in 2014, I was referred to Dr. Matthews, a Gastroenterologist. I saw him in April 2015 and he performed my first ever colonoscopy that August. He removed the polyps he found in early September 2015 and told me to come back for a follow up in three years. At age 41, I had a partial hysterectomy in late September 2015. I had been progressively experiencing severe pain every month until one day, the pain was so bad, my nerves seemed to seize in my legs and I was no longer able to walk. I was diagnosed with severe Adenomyosis and when my uterus was removed, the surgeon told me it was 4 sizes larger than it should have been,