As previously mentioned, Big M started hating me more after I hit puberty and her rantings progressively got more and more outrageous and abusive. As a result, I started breaking out in shingles very frequently – nearly every 6 weeks. My parents say I was born with a scar on my left cheek, just near my eye. Over the years, I would get blisters that would scab over. When I was 12 or so, a pediatrician took a SCRAPING (yes it hurt like a MoFo) and it came back herpes. My father told me my mother gave me herpes. Ironically, my mother has never even had a cold sore… Jackass gets cold sores all the time… so, if herpes is coming from anyone it’s him. After that diagnosis, Big M took me to Toronto to see ‘her’ doctor who diagnosed it as Herpes Zoster. I was prescribed Zovirax tablets 5 times a day for 7 days when it broke out. Ironically, stress is the trigger. By the time I reached 11 th grade, I was taking Zovirax daily, one 400mg tablet to prevent breakouts. Not only that, but I was...

I have always loved music. I took piano and singing lessons as a kid at the convent and followed the Royal Conservatory of Music path. In high school, Chloé and I joined the band and based on all the movies I had watched in my youth, I knew those who joined school band were typically lonely losers so I was also looking forward to fitting in with “my people.” I did not. I still felt like I was on the outside looking in. I did not make any friends in band, to my recollection, but I had Chloé. The school band was prepping for the yearly Christmas concert scheduled for December and I practiced every day. When the evening finally came for the concert, I was really excited to ‘show off’ and make my parents proud. I seriously don’t know where my optimism comes from… I ALWAYS assume the best but prepare for the absolute worst-case scenario (this is called over thinking and over analysing and it takes up a significant portion of my day, even today at age 48). The excitement from my fellow band...

By the time I started high school, I was really isolated within myself. I wore a happy exterior demeanor but in reality I was hoping I could just get hit by a bus or a tractor trailer… funny thing is your instinct normally makes killing yourself ‘by accident’ impossible. I don’t think I had a best friend for most of grade 9. I spent most of my time alone from what I recall. I had many acquaintances but no one I confided in or trusted. I always felt awkward, like I was an outsider. My entire high school experience felt like that… as if everyone tolerated me or invited me, to be polite. It probably was my anxiety telling me what I heard at home, but it made opening my mouth to speak to people nearly impossible. I would attempt a conversation and freeze in fear that my peers would know I was an idiot, and then I would just not talk. I always waited for someone to speak to me first. I truly felt like I walked around with a giant L on my forehead. I would not be able to tell you who my...

The elementary school I was attending only offered grades K-6 and I transferred to junior high for 7 th grade. At the end of that year, the elementary school I had attended in the past began offering classes from K-8 and I transferred back. You may or may not have noticed that the majority of my memories do not seem to include any classmates or close friends. Due to the trauma I experienced on an on-going basis on top of having ADHD, my brain only retained my most impressionable memories; my working brain sometimes struggles even though I am very high functioning. I remember people from school, but I only see a sea of faces. I am able to recall names, I have an excellent memory for facts, but I very much struggle to recall memories, conversations, activities, or even images of teachers from my formative years. My experience of having transferred schools 6 times by the time I entered 8 th grade, coupled by the verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse going on at home did not help ...